Author Topic: Wish - Danielle  (Read 153 times)

ladybegood

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Wish - Danielle
« on: December 28, 2019, 03:56:55 PM »
Please critique me! I'm a newbie :)

She looked up at the stars, itís a thick blanket where you could see specs of light shine through the fibers. Faeries danced in the pit of her belly as she thought about the time she first held his hand. Fingers interlocked like puzzle pieces, his skin rough but his grip gentle. Tonight she could smell the night dew laying softly on the grass, as crickets sang a beautiful song. Gazing up at the sky she made one wish. Itís the same one sheís wished for every night, but maybe this time the stars would hear her. She sat down on the damp grass, and could feel the dew soaking through her jeans. It didnít matter. Stretching backward her chin looking up she asked the stars to send him home. Water began to collect in the inner corner of her eyes, and a drop of warm liquid raced to her chin. She squinted her eyes as a small streak of light slowly worked its way from one side of the sky to the other. Itís a train without a track, making its own journey without any maps or signs. Maybe the stars were listening. 

paperthief

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Re: Wish - Danielle
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2019, 01:45:50 AM »
I think you nailed the exercise. Nice mix of sense based writing and narrative. I was drawn in immediately and you kept me in the story. Nice work!

ladybegood

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Re: Wish - Danielle
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2019, 02:33:56 PM »
Thank you so much!!  :D

Ezyman

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Re: Wish - Danielle
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2019, 09:39:41 PM »
Some great stuff.. faeries dancing, the jigsaw puzzle pieces. Looks like you are an experienced storyteller. One challenge might be to do a stream of conscience writing... I.e if you launched off of the line about the dew and made it personal... your experiences of walking over grass laden with few, how the ground sqeaked or sank and that reminds you of tumbling down a hill as a child rolled in a ball.. see where it goes

ladybegood

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Re: Wish - Danielle
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2019, 02:40:45 PM »
Ezyman, this is helpful and a great idea! Thanks for sharing. I will definitely practice expanding on the idea of the dew!

 

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