Object Writing, Prose & Poetry Forum

July 21, 2018, 09:52:24 PM
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This week's words;

Sunday - Instructions

Monday- Motorcycle

Tuesday- Wildflower

Wednesday- Asparagus

Thursday- Stopwatch

Friday - Confetti


Word of the Day
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Author Topic: Homeless  (Read 207 times)
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« on: May 17, 2018, 04:12:22 AM »

The world never seemed bigger
The air is full of cold
I can hear leaves whispering clearly
That I should be more bold

My body is starting to shiver
Feeling the warmth in the shop
I don't even have the perfect vision
My eyes are blurred by my dying hope

I look up to see the passing stranger
Where did it all go wrong?
He only sees in me danger
The one who doesn't belong

Would really appreciate your guys comments and thoughts on this short poem! Thank you!
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« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2018, 05:54:58 AM »

Nice poem! I especially like the sentiment in the 3rd stanza, which creates a nice sense of empathy for one who is homeless (or really anyone who feels the judgement of being "dangerous" from others).

I think the second stanza could be cleaned up a little by eliminating some unnecessary syllables. For example, rather than "My body is starting to shiver," it could be "My body starts to shiver." It's a personal judgement call, but the rhythm of the second line seems to flow a little bit better.

Hope that's helpful!
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« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2018, 09:29:22 AM »

nice poem. I had to re-read the last stanza. My mind couldn't figure out who the character was. Those are helpful comments. Kudos to both of you!
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