Author Topic: Competitor  (Read 104 times)

paperthief

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Competitor
« on: December 22, 2019, 01:02:03 AM »
I feel paper thin in front of this competitor. Every nerve in my body is shimmering like a star and put together they resemble a Starry Night. My brain flooded in anticipation. I can feel the muscles in back drawn tight, somewhere inside of me an ancient feeling awakens. Crumbling mountains, slipping into heaving oceans. The sound of waves seduce yet threaten at the same time. There is a power in me that I'm unaware of or perhaps aware yet have been scared to access. The smallest parts of me bark the loudest. Yapping dogs behind the safety of fences. Part of this competition is won by not competing. The dry taste of fear is as much a thing as the Champagne bubbles of victory. Competitor. This shadow to my body. This thing that is stitched into the fabric of my existence. Trailing behind me at every minute. Look ahead, facing this blazing ball, called the sun, plunging into the next moment I temporarily forget. My world aligns and shadow and light merge as lovers in competition.

roeknowsbest

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Re: Competitor
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2019, 03:52:10 PM »
All I can think about is a track star running in slow motion in elliptical fashion. If I become him, my I can feel my taut muscles pressing against my skin as they move. When my arms swing back and forth, my bicep presses on, begging to be included in this mass oxygenation of my body. Smelling freshly mowed grass and feeling that spark of adrenaline ignite in my brain at the excitement of moving and of winning this race. Breathing deeply, I can feel the air fill my lungs to capacity. It is sweet with spring and fresh mowed grass. As my eyes focus straight and peripherally, I see the track in front of me, the fence along side the outer edge and the families and friends in the stands cheering and calling. They are unimportant watercolor blurs. I feel wind move past me, against me as I stomp forward, feet hitting the reddish track, my white sneakers contrasting against the colors. I feel those ricochets of contact moving up my legs with each step. I taste the saliva in my mouth. It is desperate, my body getting tired and wants a drink. I also hear my own breath rumbling in my body as I try to breathe steady. It is this internal vs. external. My breath and internal heartbeat rhythm vs. this crowd, my shoes, the other runners whom of which Iím barely aware of. I am a competitor, but I am only competing with myself. Even if I donít come in first in this race, I must come in first for myself. I strive to be better than my last race. My knees wonít stay young forever. My heartbeat thuds back in agreement. My lithe, thin body wonít support me forever. Doesnít life have a knack for getting in the way, setting one off course? Arenít we always transforming into something else? And there is something else underneath my Zen. And itís fear and itís anxiety and itís Ego. And I try to push it down and focus on other things. Like how my back has started to sweat and has made the back of my shirt cling to me. Or the sound of my shorts rubbing against each other as I will my legs to move faster.

 

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